The Rest

I wonder who really knows what they want out of life. I honestly believe that I only know a handful who do, and they happen to be artists or musicians. Hell bent on being creative. Maybe I should have never chose to shy away from that when I was younger....should have kept writing...kept drawing and painting. To me it is so strange to look back and see how I used to be and place her along side who I am today. I am good at what I do....I strive to be great at everything I try. This has led to much success for me as a worker, professional...business "person"...but there is always that nagging pit it your stomach. That scream that bounces around in the back recesses of your brain that is saying "really? this is REALLY who you are? What you want? How you want to be remembered?"

That voice is frightened...scared and....unfortunately....brutally fucking honest.

Then you take a look at the opposite side of the fence at those people who seemed, up until recently, SET.....the people who have no idea how to survive once they have spent their life a certain way...and when that way begins to crumble, are lost.

At least I can say that I am resourceful. That I find a way regardless of if it is MY way.

One thing that i realize now that I am very good at, is converting jobs to MY way of working. Which is why I am now, relatively speaking, happy at my place of employment. I am outspoken, commanding, example driven, number-crunchingly correct...and I am lucky to work for a company who accepts and fosters those behaviors in me.

But still...
....that voice...
that shrill, bitter voice calling out when I am still for a few moments at work, or feel passionlessly routine driven.

Is this me?
Is this how I want to remember my life?
When I look back will I be satisfied? Will I feel like I accomplished something that reflects MY character? My soul?

My photography is amazing at keeping that peskily barking hound at bay.
But, as again I write (as most of my posts echo) I need to do something with it.

*sigh*
I love art, music, the written word (when done right)...
...I guess everyone would do it if it weren't for that ONE word that seems welded to its front...

...struggling.