The invisible

Tonight it happened again...

I was walked into about 5 times, and we aren't talking people texting on their Treos just not paying attention OR people decidedly playing chicken with me on the fucking sidewalk either. We are talking full-fledged, true other dimension-ness...though I wasn't there. Fucking weird shit.

Maybe tonight I was needy...I needed to be around people I knew...

I texted everyone...no one replied.

I even called a choice few who I had thought I was going to see this evening.Nothing.

Very Odd.

Invisible am I.

Sitting alone, eating a meal I had hoped I would be sharing with at least one other ...I wondered. There are times that I feel like I am disposable...like I am the convenience. I try very hard to be the person that is indispensable. The rock...the guarantee. The one who you call. Perhaps I have deluded myself.

Self control.

The latest issue I have is self control...its not like I am huffing paint, railing like its my paid occupation or even perfecting my roll...or my '5 minute beer" dismount ...just trying to keep myself grounded. Cleansed...didn't drink for almost 2 weeks..now 1-2 drinks is my max when I go out...and that is a less frequent occasion as well...purposefully. Throwing myself into my book. Glorious...but lonely.

Which is why this invisible thing is starting to piss me off. RIGHT the fuck off. Fucking OWF!

Am I the one that can be sloughed off? Am I the dead weight? Am I the one that tags along misguidedly thinking that I should be there in the first place?

I wonder. I wonder if I truly do belong, or if I am just a clever girl who happens to provide entertainment to the people I surround myself with. Do I add anything? Do I bring value to the situation...to the gathering? Do I matter? Harsh, I know...but this is what you think about when you have the time.

I wonder sometimes...especially when those assholes on the sidewalk walk right the fuck into me, my face slapped with the reality that perhaps I am below or above the masses who pass me.

And I am left arguing with myself which of those two options is the better: above or below?

If above, I have reached a higher state of enlightenment and now move outside the realm of those masses and am not predominantly physical anymore...consciousness raising me above the rest.

If below- i am hollow...non descript...blending so well into the common that I am invisible...camouflaged....unable to be detected....