Blink

inhale, exhale
blink, blink
inhale, blink
exhale......
blink, blink.

forcing myself to meditate was something that I thought would work. I mean, shit... here I was... frustrated, angry...useless. The only thing I seemed to be getting right lately was that I could wake up on time, get ready, make some oatmeal and be out the door without forgetting my deoderant. At least, that is what I felt most of the time my work day was done ...unaccomplished...unrewarded...unimpressed. What a "Debbie Downer" I was lately....

*sigh*

And that is what got me here. Lying on my back ....in the dark ...breathing like I was trying not to hyperventilate. Forcing myself to become light headed ...forcing myself to think of nothing (which is way too difficult a concept to grasp when you are pissed the hell off at the world and all you want to do is scream at some stranger .... or cry alone in a corner.)

Blink, inhale.

What the fuck am I doing?

Lying here ... acting a fool... looking at my ceiling thinking of nothing but the fact I was an idiot for trying this.

Where the hell do I get off trying to do something I dont know how to do?
Jesus.
The nerve.

Rolling over, I swear a solemn vow not to fuck with the laws of Gods and forces that I have no knowledge of...and to quit acting like an asshole, thinking I could just wing it.

*sigh*
Blink.
exhale.

I throw myself to the other side.

How to remedy this. How to revive. How to reinvent?
Where can I look...When will I realize how to do it?
Why havent I thought of anything better before?
What , why, how, when...
FUUUUUUUUCK!

Stop the thoughts...just think of nothing.
Think of a fireplace (not throwing some unknown precious documents into it....just a nice fireplace) and sitting back, reclining...music...company...laughter...smiles...closeness...

*sigh*
inhale, exhale
sleep.....

***how i fall asleep lately...yes, work is slightly stressful***