To read perchance to fall into dreams...

Here I lie.
Shuffling myself into comfort under the blankets, adjusting my pillow just so (to avoid the inevitable neck cramp...still can't figure out exactly what angle I should be reading in bed at, after over 25 years...)

Quiet...the same song playing over and over in my head...you are so far from me, far from me...

I am trying to get into the head space to read. I have been so teeth grindingly busy and tired and stressed out that I haven't been able to pick up a book in a month.

Tsk tsk.

So very unlike me. So, tonight...in the quiet light, perched high in my bed, I read to travel through time and and space to somewhere else. Somewhere from before, simple and raw and honest. Time was measured not in the craze of the day's spinning but in the feeling of ache in your muscles. Rain was considered friend not foe...lists were for markets, not to monitor your progress throughout your day.

Now I go.

Calling in sick?

Is it wrong?
Is it wrong to call in sick within your two weeks notice?

Why do I worry about these things?
I feel like shit, I should call in sick.

I earned it.

Only I would worry about this shit.

Jeez.

Who knows what I see

I firmly believe that things are the way they are for a reason. Some reasons that are able to be explained within the the context of reality...others vastly beyond our comprehension.

Example: Two incidents of negative behavior from people that I know towards me for no apparent reason. Both occurred in the same location within a loft. Both totally unprovoked and outside of the characteristics of the people who did it.

Baffled me.
Well, pissed me off. I was tipsy but at the same time, I was VERY angry. Again, another trait of mine that doesn't come out very often.

Was it called for, or was it something that they were overcome with that made them exhibit things that were so extreme?

Who knows. It was just strange that it happened in the same location...both times.

Weird right?

Clean Break

April 1st.

Movie blurb

This?

See it.

And then go buy the soundtrack. Simple, calming, transporting...

Costa Rica, here I come...

So, my mind is made up. Yes, no turning away from this one....

I want to go to Costa Rica.



Found a nice little (well, not so little, it is a 4 bedroom, 4.5 bath villa) house on the west coast of the country to rent in May. I know that it is probably horribly escapist of me, but fuck it. I deserve to run away...to get a bit lost in the misty place that is along the outskirts of my vision lately...

I think I have earned it...NAY! I need it.

I want to stay home and read and write tonight...I have this bubbling up of emotion and expression that (more than likely) will spill over into a conversation and bang a HARD left away from the original intent of the whole situation if I don't try to rope it in...

This work conference has left me thinking more than I would have ever expected, however, enjoying many moments of introspection and using newly found means of exploring the emotions that seems to run rampant through me as of late. Damn my self control...damn my over active mind, damn my ever present morality, damn it all. ALL. Am I more grounded? More happy for being the way I am? I doubt it. I seem to spend so much more time being proactive that I have lost the joy in reacting. (On a much lamer note, I hate the fact that I work in such a reactive profession...I think it makes me thrive on controlling my personal life which means, in the basest sense, that I have no sense of the spontaneity of life itself.....shouldn't I be angry at that response...?)

Anyhow, I am slightly drunk as this wonderfully spontaneous girl I just met downstairs bought me a sake bomb (which, of course I never do as they get me drunk and I have an aversion to drinking carbonated beverages quickly) and I drank it.

I shouldn't go out, but I might.

Then again, I might just stay home and write.
I wrote about a chapter in my mental conversations walking to work....if only there was a mental data recorder. Then I never would forget the moment and my intrinsic response...

I have been enjoying staying in though...sleep is my new buddy... ha!
I should sleep to start the day fresh tomorrow...

I love my camera

'nuff said

the new invention

I will say NO 10 times a day. Mainly because I always say yes, even when I don't want to. I think it will be harder than most think. I think it will be a great lesson for me in stating my true feelings and honestly viewing the situation in the moment.

I am cleaning today. Cleaning being critical of removing clutter. I guess symbolic of trying to reassess what I deem important to keep in my life.

I think it will be another really important lesson for me.

The last thing, is being better with my time. Using it to accomplish things, but to ultimately do the things I enjoy.

:)

I think I also want to get some new music in my life.
And buy a bunch more frames.
Ha!

Conference begins....what will follow?

commence.
hmrph.

off tomorrow - finally.

Thursdays + me = off

Yay.
Christ, I can't even muster the energy to be joyful.
Fuckers.

Tomorrow I have a list of things to accomplish so I will be going to bed right now to sleep a ton to catch up and let my body regenerate.

Exhausted.

Meeting Sara for a drink tomorrow to chat. She is having a rough time. Then hanging with Jenny...then 8pm LOST! Yeah! Then who knows what!

Sleepy time.
Meditation tea makes me tired. Must be the lavender and sage.

tired...so fucking tired.

let us do a little retail math, shall we?

2.5 hours sunday
10 hours monday
10 hours tuesday
11 hours wednesday
1.5 hours thursday
8 hours friday
11.5 hours saturday

______________________
Total?
Well, poppets?
54.5 hours.

I am fucking tired.
working tomorrow thru thursday.

now? going to bed.
assholes haha
waking tomorrow @ 730 am at which point I must be wound again.