I like the word "lately" as of late

I cannot get enough Al Green and Nina Simone noawadays. I have felt a lack of soul in my life lately...too much work, mechanical and routine....where is the passion? I am committed at work, but lack something. I lay in bed every night lately asking myself what leaves holes like this in my soul so my souliness leaks out everyday. I ask hoping that I will find answers, but know damn well that it won't come. Or it is the things that I spend the majority of my waking hours trying to suppress...

I love to feel...you know, meaning I enjoy intense emotion...I have always been very up front about the fact that I am an overly emotional person. If it affects me, you know it. My new job has taught me the benefit of being able to hide that emotion well...to be even, consistent in my responses....to choose my words carefully. But, dammit, I want to be rash! I want to be spontaneous! I thirst for it....yearn for it... I want to be caught up in a moment, push rationality to the side and just BE. My dilemma is that in order to do that, I would have to relinquish control of the situation. And to do that, I would have to trust implicitly in another. Something that I have a real hard time doing, but I would love to try...

Usually my escape from the day comes in the form of a movie or a few hours of tv... but not lately. These last few weeks have been filled with music. Music that makes me stop and appreciate how they hit that feeling right on the mark. How they can bring me to the same physical response that they describe.... and music that makes me smile, because I finally feel again. You can't stop it from happening, and it feels good...to the bone. I have put feeling things on hold for a while now. Johnny Cash? FUCK! My rediscovery of just how much I love his music gives me pause....it gives me the shivers.

I love music. I miss playing it...singing it... I am way too out of practice to start any of that again....but maybe, just maybe I can absorb it.....bring the rhythms and words into my being and convert it to my own energy. Or something, jesus where did this philosophical bullshit come from HA!

Anyhooooo.... I am drinking some tea, laying in a bed covered by freshly laundered sheets and blankets...the smell of clean all around me, the chamomile making my eyes flutter and the sounds of Nina begin to fill the room... whoever her backing band was GAT DAMN! so good....great keys, shit yeah great keys....

And then in a few days I will be seeing the Deftones HA! The height of fucking irony....I can't wait to see them, though...its been forever. And they will always be a favorite...they are a button for me, some songs just make me lose it hahaha

if you want a do right all days woman....sing it aretha...she's not just a plaything, shes flesh and blood , just like a man...