who doesn't, i mean...really!

For real, I don't know if it is destiny or my own making, but i can't seem to escape the rampant drug culture that pervades my age group. Me , myself having little to no experience with substances other than alcohol, tobacco and a few hits of weed, just can't grasp its allure. I guess because of my past, I am just predisposed to dislike it, but am comfortable around it. Well, that isn't exactly true...I guess I would say that I tolerate it from people I know. I've had 'talks' with those who do more than dabble, but it seems like I am just preaching. I hate that haha.

I have tried in my past to help people change. I have failed miserably and been forced to put up with the consequences of the fact that people have to change themselves when they are prepared to take the steps themselves. It is just amazing to me how many people I know do harder drugs! I don't judge at all....it just seems so counterproductive to numb yourself every night. Is it because of loneliness? Is it because it is just fun? I mean how fun can it be to waste your money everyday to get wasted just to be normal? I guess I can never really know...I don't ever see myself experimenting with hard drugs...I am too old to start fucking my body up on that level.

Seems like I am always trying to get away from that cultures' influence on my life, though. My family life was disrupted by it, my siblings lives were influenced by it greatly. I have dated an addict and a madman. I have lived in a dealer's home and have answered the door to faces needing a fix. Living with someone who sold and used makes you realize just how someone can feel like they are in control when they completely are not. Moving to New York, it became clear that EVERYONE just does it. The party scene is fucking UNREAL here. I can't tell you how annoying having to go to the bathroom is when I am out at a bar. hahaha I can't tell you how blatently apparent it is to EVERYONE too. I mean, where are those 6 dudes going? the bathroom? wierd, huh hahaha I am pretty much the outsider for not... or maybe not the outsider, but the different one. Not a part of the club, I spend alot of time people watching and sitting around doing nothing but drinking beer ha.

I dunno...I guess this post has no arc to it. Just the day after rantings of a girl who witnessed alot of people do alot of shit last night. Its fucked up to think it, but sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be there bearing witness to it all....trying to put my two cents in about how fucked up it is. I know I can't change people...I don't want to change them, I just want them to not numb themselves...cuz now I am stuck wondering who these people are... are they truly the way they seem? or are they something else entirely different sober...are they better or worse than the person that I have come to know...

I just don't get it.
I doubt I ever will.
Its wierd, I have spent 20 years of my life surrounded by it and don't have the first clue about why people get sucked in...