The invisible

Tonight it happened again...

I was walked into about 5 times, and we aren't talking people texting on their Treos just not paying attention OR people decidedly playing chicken with me on the fucking sidewalk either. We are talking full-fledged, true other dimension-ness...though I wasn't there. Fucking weird shit.

Maybe tonight I was needy...I needed to be around people I knew...

I texted everyone...no one replied.

I even called a choice few who I had thought I was going to see this evening.Nothing.

Very Odd.

Invisible am I.

Sitting alone, eating a meal I had hoped I would be sharing with at least one other ...I wondered. There are times that I feel like I am disposable...like I am the convenience. I try very hard to be the person that is indispensable. The rock...the guarantee. The one who you call. Perhaps I have deluded myself.

Self control.

The latest issue I have is self control...its not like I am huffing paint, railing like its my paid occupation or even perfecting my roll...or my '5 minute beer" dismount ...just trying to keep myself grounded. Cleansed...didn't drink for almost 2 weeks..now 1-2 drinks is my max when I go out...and that is a less frequent occasion as well...purposefully. Throwing myself into my book. Glorious...but lonely.

Which is why this invisible thing is starting to piss me off. RIGHT the fuck off. Fucking OWF!

Am I the one that can be sloughed off? Am I the dead weight? Am I the one that tags along misguidedly thinking that I should be there in the first place?

I wonder. I wonder if I truly do belong, or if I am just a clever girl who happens to provide entertainment to the people I surround myself with. Do I add anything? Do I bring value to the situation...to the gathering? Do I matter? Harsh, I know...but this is what you think about when you have the time.

I wonder sometimes...especially when those assholes on the sidewalk walk right the fuck into me, my face slapped with the reality that perhaps I am below or above the masses who pass me.

And I am left arguing with myself which of those two options is the better: above or below?

If above, I have reached a higher state of enlightenment and now move outside the realm of those masses and am not predominantly physical anymore...consciousness raising me above the rest.

If below- i am hollow...non descript...blending so well into the common that I am invisible...camouflaged....unable to be detected....

The "after"

Now I sit listening to reggae, ginger tea by my left hand... smiling like I just had marathon sex.

I can honestly say that a day out in the sun can give you a clarity that is nearly unrivaled. ALMOST. I started to read my book on the myth of christ as a man with a family (no not the DaVinci Code, THANK YOU) and had that salad with coffee.

I sat in the sunshine with my tank top on over my bikini top, my ipod blaring my latest favorite hip hop mixtape and soaked up my clarity like a sponge.

The park was packed with kids and hipsters and old people, dogs and babies and birds seemed to be everywhere....

Sitting by one of the playgrounds, the teens made out...sprayed each other with water and generally screamed obscenities for no real reason but just because they could. The small children just screamed. That's when the ipod went from average volume to LOUD.

I love how being in the sun instantly puts you in a better mood...it makes you feel healthier. Or at least it makes me feel that way. I feel alive...purposeful, it almost makes you feel like you are bigger than life, all those life giving rays soaking through your pores to possess you with supernatural greatness.

I thrive on those days...the times I have off where I can sit and revel in the simple joy of the sun...

But I thoroughly dislike Florida (mostly)....wierd, huh? Never been to Miami, maybe that city would make me want to change my mind hahahha..

Tomorrow the camera comes out.
Now, back to my tea...

Musings

It is an AMAZING DAY outside!!!!! I cant wait to sit outside, sip on coffee in the shade and read!

All day.....ALL day.

A salad, a coffee a book and my computer.

I LOVE GOOD WEATHER!

...and I am so lucky to have today and tomorrow off ( that is when the crappy weather returns and the temperature dips...boo hiss!)


and awayyyyyyyyy I go!
7A?
Yes, a garden salad....fucking A right.

Trips have been scheduled

Ahhhh mini vacations are the BEST! I am excited to be heading somewhere I have never been to yet: Portland, Oregon. Nick has been through there I think twice on tour and says that it is such a cool place. We will have a place to stay (a friend's house) and might head up to Seattle for a few days out of the trip to see some sights and explore a bit.

Previously, my west coast exploration has been limited to LA (yes, Los Angeles...like a different planet) and I am excited to visit the Northwest coastline! Mountains and artist communities, I only hope the weather is good :)

I hope to get to Mexico again soon, as well....perhaps later on this year!

Working on my book....must get back..trying to regiment myself into a routine (it seems to be settling in...that I need to use my time off working on this project...it makes the time go by quickly and also leaves me feeling like I have accomplished so much more in a day than previously!)

Til tomorrow!

Why guns suck... the VA Tech tragedy

Waking up to hear the news that a bunch of kids were shot as early as 8 am this morning was not what I was expecting, but then again who ever would have expected the worst campus shooting in history to happen today.

It makes me cry to just try to imagine how it felt in the moments before, knowing that as you were taking notes in class, your life might be about to end.

While I think that mainstream media outlets have a tendency to exaggerate situations, the new technology that allows people to send in pictures and video from cell phones.... A cellphone video taken outside the building was riddled with 15 + gun shots! Bone chilling. It isnt a movie, it isnt a war zone... it isnt an innercity... it was a college campus! Kids with backpacks! Gravity bongs! No showers before class! Birkenstocks.... Insane.

Anyone who can bear witness to a scene like what happened this morning at VA Tech who still thinks that gun violence is not a major issue, or that current world views have not skewed the manner in which people now handle their own personal problems...you are ignorant.

And this is why guns suck. They empower the weak minded to take action regardless of rationale. They inflate egos to the point of explosion. They speed people beyond the point of no return and once there, they make the unimaginable necessary.

Wake up, America. Wake up and see what we are becoming.

My condolences to the friends and families of those who were affected by this tragedy. My thoughts go out to those trying so hard to help those who were injured.

I only wish that I could do more than rant on a blog and cry on my couch.

Missing him

Yes I am.....
So missing him.

I am off today and recovering from a very VERY long night of intoxication...and came to the conclusion that I will not be going out anymore for a while! haha! Seriously...no joke...no post drunken epiphany that will be forgotten in a day or so..Seriously.

I realized today that I am wasting my time. Filling the void with mindless, repetitive nothingness that is not making me happier, but just distracting my creativity and warping my priorities.

Its time to take back what I love...writing, reading, photography and music. No more empty calories to preoccupy myself.

I need to get back my passion.
I need to remember who I am.
I need to surround myself with like minded people.
I need to fill myself with the right...not the wrong.

I am so excited to do it!
I am working on a project for gifts for our party.
I want it done for when nick comes home.
I also want to make a present for him too.....I can't wait!

I have kinda put the other book project on hold for a bit, since its been a distraction...not serious. I think I will have to talk to Sara about it. Kinda feel bad, but I have to be smart. I have to be healthy. I hope she understands. Maybe it will be infectious and help her get on track as well!


I feel like I am now entering what could be the best part of my life, and I don't want to go into it blind! I want to have a clear head and open eyes!

I am sooooo ready for this!!!!!!... Regaining some balance will be so great :)