vaulted heavens, endless reflections

Change my way of thinking... HA! I used to laugh when people said shit like that to me. Really?

While most think they are open to change, that arrogance, a deluded sense of an instinctual ability to see the instrument of change as it approaches, has a tendency to blind the eye of reason to being sideswiped.

I state this as I lie face first...shaking, confused and somewhat stoned from the rush of it all.

The space around me seems a new colour. A shade brighter, lighter...wider (if that makes sense at all.)

The air tastes sweeter in my mouth, my nose, my throat. Sugared breaths coating my lungs with candy that adds to the high.

Pushing off the ground, I feel my back muscles tense...working against the gravitational forces that land-lock so many people. I lift off the ground without hesitation, with a smile...new meaning, new understanding, new thought.

These days have been long. They have been filled with plainness, repetition...with the resignation of routine. They were normal. Were. Now, they seem foreign...the thoughts that were quick to come are now labored...new ideas and logics shrieking through the din of the day. Arching my back, lifting my head. Giving pause where there once was movement in the usual direction. Giving reason to turn slowly and reflect upon the new.

Sky, land, building and flesh.

I enjoy the pause. I have reason to revel in the quiet.

It has afforded me the much needed time for reflection. It has given me the joy of simply being. I had forgotten what it was like to be an inactive part of a whole. Observing, watching...secretly wanting to be more...for it to be more...for it to be real in some place other than my mind, but understanding that my mind is the only place that what I see is real or relevant or true. That hidden, silent need...making it all make sense... hands waving me forward into the fray. It is different, good, calming...quietly formulating your path... constructing your bridges from the observations of your surroundings, forging the steady frame from the lessons and pains that you endure vicariously.

I roll onto my back.

I miss the stars. I miss looking up and seeing them, aweing me to question my reality...forcing the realization that I am inconsequential... one in billions. One such twinkling light in a mass of moving flashes...brightening and fading all around me. I miss laying on my back, and feeling the weight of that knowledge. Humbling, inspiring...and frightening. The cost of humanity, the shocking moments that make you realize that you might be the only person thinking that thought at that moment.

Solitary.
alone.
real.

I can't remember if when I felt it last I felt empowered or scared out of my mind.

or numb.

Or just crippled by the harsh beauty of the concept of the universe and its endless rivers of worlds....