I like the word "lately" as of late

I cannot get enough Al Green and Nina Simone noawadays. I have felt a lack of soul in my life lately...too much work, mechanical and routine....where is the passion? I am committed at work, but lack something. I lay in bed every night lately asking myself what leaves holes like this in my soul so my souliness leaks out everyday. I ask hoping that I will find answers, but know damn well that it won't come. Or it is the things that I spend the majority of my waking hours trying to suppress...

I love to feel...you know, meaning I enjoy intense emotion...I have always been very up front about the fact that I am an overly emotional person. If it affects me, you know it. My new job has taught me the benefit of being able to hide that emotion well...to be even, consistent in my responses....to choose my words carefully. But, dammit, I want to be rash! I want to be spontaneous! I thirst for it....yearn for it... I want to be caught up in a moment, push rationality to the side and just BE. My dilemma is that in order to do that, I would have to relinquish control of the situation. And to do that, I would have to trust implicitly in another. Something that I have a real hard time doing, but I would love to try...

Usually my escape from the day comes in the form of a movie or a few hours of tv... but not lately. These last few weeks have been filled with music. Music that makes me stop and appreciate how they hit that feeling right on the mark. How they can bring me to the same physical response that they describe.... and music that makes me smile, because I finally feel again. You can't stop it from happening, and it feels good...to the bone. I have put feeling things on hold for a while now. Johnny Cash? FUCK! My rediscovery of just how much I love his music gives me pause....it gives me the shivers.

I love music. I miss playing it...singing it... I am way too out of practice to start any of that again....but maybe, just maybe I can absorb it.....bring the rhythms and words into my being and convert it to my own energy. Or something, jesus where did this philosophical bullshit come from HA!

Anyhooooo.... I am drinking some tea, laying in a bed covered by freshly laundered sheets and blankets...the smell of clean all around me, the chamomile making my eyes flutter and the sounds of Nina begin to fill the room... whoever her backing band was GAT DAMN! so good....great keys, shit yeah great keys....

And then in a few days I will be seeing the Deftones HA! The height of fucking irony....I can't wait to see them, though...its been forever. And they will always be a favorite...they are a button for me, some songs just make me lose it hahaha

if you want a do right all days woman....sing it aretha...she's not just a plaything, shes flesh and blood , just like a man...

BaddaBing

Yes, the new hair. It is glorious...magnificent...and blonde! It feels good to be sparkly again (even if it means i must product and blowdry and straighten my mane now...) its kind of amazing how just one haircut can give you a new outlook on things. Can't get a cab? FLICK YOUR HAIR and VOILA! screeching of tires and all, cabs appear...its like MAGIC this new hairstyle. Not only good for getting cheap drinks and discounted meal prices, the hair is a great disguise...people don't even recognize me until they get up close then the shouting and yelling and WHOAing...wierd. Wierd but awesome. It might be more maintenance but dammit, it is worth it. Robert Caplee you are a genius and wizard with little scissors....

If anyone in Manhattan needs a haircut, you need to go to BO...the best experience I have had with a stylist and quite possibly the most pampered I have felt EVER...might have been the wine, or the vitamin water, or even the organic trailmix...or maybe the Al Green...

So right...
it was close to perfect.

The truth...

sitting under the covers, I realize how much i adore listening to Jeff Buckley. No modern voice can make audible my inner murmurs better than he. There are some days that I dispise myself for not writing more....perhaps if I wrote I would not have so much to think about everyday..... perhaps if I wrote, it would almost be as if the person I needed to tell was hearing it from my lips...and then it would be ok. I write alot in my written journal.... things I would never post on here, things that would be irrelevant and silly, things a bit to heavy and droll...but my heart longs to be creative....and vocal. Venting is good....neccessary even. I don't ever want to bottle up everything I think about and never get it out...because then it still comes out, but all at once and usually ends BAAAAAD hahaha. Hence this blog, work....here...frustration...here...almost everything gets vented on here when it needs to be... some stuff other people don't need to read though HA

I challenge myself to express it through my photography...and I wonder if anyone sees it? I want my photos to evoke the frustration and isolation that I sometimes feel. And joy, wait, yes, I DO do the joyful thing sometimes too... I used to use the moniker Preoccupy...as I felt that was all I seemed to be doing with myself...and I feel that way lately...working myself into the ground to keep my hands busy and my mind alert... I spend too much time preocculying myself...wasting time... I feel like I need something, yet am too stubborn to admit it. Focus, Carrie... on something important.

You know what else works well? Push-ups. FOR REAL! hahahah Must be the blood rush to the brain...(i say this after 10 )

Sometimes I think that I think too much...

Fuck it, I am going on vacation somewhere tropical very soon....
and learning to sail...

um...yah

i ate 4 bites of turkey and it was delishhhhhhhhhhhhhhiuous

wine, potatoes, squash, green bean casserole, couscous salad, cheese (lots and lots of cheese), carrots, stuffing all smothered in gravy?

will power? what is that in the face of such a feast?

talk tomorrow after black friday
if i can move

TurkeyDAY

gobble gobble mother@&*#^@er! Well, tomorrow is it....Then it will be Black Friday and 5am before I know it! FUCK! Well I have prepped as much at work as I could....drank my way through the last 10 days of stress....and survived...EVEN survived to make the green bean casserole for tomorrow at Warren and Amy's! Holy shit! hahaha

Personally, this will be the first Thanksgiving in a while that I won't get to spend with family of some sort. But I will be spending it with my friends which is just as good. Seems like a good amount of the people in my life are out and about in the world, or just somewhere else altogether....my stl buddies are all IMing me telling me their midwestern plans....all nice and dandy...for me? TurkeyDAY NYC style.....late night food, wine, cheese, beer football...then something retarded like tapas hahahaha or a knish. ahhhh new york, you are one crazy town.

But anyway....I am tired. Off to bed. Drank enough tea to cleanse an addict today. Nice vegetarian minestrone soup for dinner. Got my fix of Law and Order....now...I brace myself against the cold with my blankets, extra pillows and wait for the alarm to ring.... Listening to some Al Green.... bring on the dawn....

gobble gobble
eats that up
pass out from the tryptophan
*grin*

Technically speaking-

.........its the start of a new fucking week, right? I mean, it is 1:10am....MONDAY...so I get to bitch about "last" week. THAT WEEK SUCKED. I have petty bullshit politics being played out within my company (shit I don't usually stand for, i mean , i have left companies for less....i don't like adolescent bullshit "oh, time for me to cover my ass" stuff to clog my daily routine...so) Usually I speak my mind, get results and tell the rest of the world to "hold the fuck ON whilst I get my groove on" but now....going into the holidays....I am amazed and the wave of shit that is hitting the fan.

I have fallen asleep with the aide of white wine every night but one....... god, this holiday season is going to suck...not only lonely...but stressed from work? jesus......I should just stock the fridge with pinot grigio now...

I havent had a worse week since I was promoted. And it isnt' like someone is telling me straight to my face what the problem is...they are saying its all "fine" then going back to the corporate cubicle and typing 2 emails to various VPs about how fucked up it is. I have issues with this....call me crazy, but what happened to being a straight shooter? You know, being honest in the workplace? Fuck that.....I calls 'em like i sees 'em.......and something is WAY rotten here.....

Just venting....

ok
tomorrow will be a cohesive thought.....with resolution and everything! I promise!

who doesn't, i mean...really!

For real, I don't know if it is destiny or my own making, but i can't seem to escape the rampant drug culture that pervades my age group. Me , myself having little to no experience with substances other than alcohol, tobacco and a few hits of weed, just can't grasp its allure. I guess because of my past, I am just predisposed to dislike it, but am comfortable around it. Well, that isn't exactly true...I guess I would say that I tolerate it from people I know. I've had 'talks' with those who do more than dabble, but it seems like I am just preaching. I hate that haha.

I have tried in my past to help people change. I have failed miserably and been forced to put up with the consequences of the fact that people have to change themselves when they are prepared to take the steps themselves. It is just amazing to me how many people I know do harder drugs! I don't judge at all....it just seems so counterproductive to numb yourself every night. Is it because of loneliness? Is it because it is just fun? I mean how fun can it be to waste your money everyday to get wasted just to be normal? I guess I can never really know...I don't ever see myself experimenting with hard drugs...I am too old to start fucking my body up on that level.

Seems like I am always trying to get away from that cultures' influence on my life, though. My family life was disrupted by it, my siblings lives were influenced by it greatly. I have dated an addict and a madman. I have lived in a dealer's home and have answered the door to faces needing a fix. Living with someone who sold and used makes you realize just how someone can feel like they are in control when they completely are not. Moving to New York, it became clear that EVERYONE just does it. The party scene is fucking UNREAL here. I can't tell you how annoying having to go to the bathroom is when I am out at a bar. hahaha I can't tell you how blatently apparent it is to EVERYONE too. I mean, where are those 6 dudes going? the bathroom? wierd, huh hahaha I am pretty much the outsider for not... or maybe not the outsider, but the different one. Not a part of the club, I spend alot of time people watching and sitting around doing nothing but drinking beer ha.

I dunno...I guess this post has no arc to it. Just the day after rantings of a girl who witnessed alot of people do alot of shit last night. Its fucked up to think it, but sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be there bearing witness to it all....trying to put my two cents in about how fucked up it is. I know I can't change people...I don't want to change them, I just want them to not numb themselves...cuz now I am stuck wondering who these people are... are they truly the way they seem? or are they something else entirely different sober...are they better or worse than the person that I have come to know...

I just don't get it.
I doubt I ever will.
Its wierd, I have spent 20 years of my life surrounded by it and don't have the first clue about why people get sucked in...

vacationVacation

Herro...
I have been working my ass off again..but good news: I am taking some time off! Yes, in a world where people work themselves to death, I have recognized the need for me to take a motherfucking "breather".

Should be quite boring, though....my intentions are to spend some QT with nick before he heads back out on the road again this upcoming Sunday. That and work photos...and try to find my muse again. Frickin thing always is getting misplaced.

I think that because my room is disheveled, that my life is disheveled. Is that insane? Maybe I am just losing it...not surprising....

So cleaning, photography and nick time are my vacation plans....Not trying to over-extend myself...ha. Catch up on rest and get my shit in order. Should be painless and easy, right? Good lord, I hope so...

Anyway...I have been working on photos again and have seemed to find a theme that makes me excited about taking them again: Dissecting my personality through photos... Narcissistic at best, self destructive at worst...but fuck it, right?

Nick is DJing tonight, should be fun....get the dance/drink/party on...... hope to see some interesting people and witness some interesting events tonight. Might even get lucky *grin*

Cheers, and no more republican majority should be reason for you ALL to go out and party toinight!