The night before the night before-

'Twas the night before...well, you know where this is going.

I worked a bunch today. So tired. Was a bit hungover considering last night was the first night I have drank since before the 23rd.

Went to Satsko for some food after I got home from the "fields", glass of wine ..

Was going to go to BSide for a sing-fest...but never really heard back from anyone over there so I am going to hit the sack.

I really want to have a good day and eve tomorrow...so I will rest.

Pictures. I am going to send out a group of photos to be printed tomorrow! JOY!

Also, I want to do laundry and clean this sty of an apartment so I don't feel like such a loser....I just don't feel right when the place is all a-shambles... like my home reflects my state of mind and that is just plain disturbing if one was to glimpse the chaos in this place right now.

Chatted with Jenny tonight for a bit...miss her...need to hang more and do more girly things with her. We had a good talk about the idiots that the people who surround us have become....or always were and we just woke up to it.

I think I woke up about a year ago to that fact, but she just opened her eyes and now can see it. Oldest kids at the college party...that's what we are.

OK
Bed it is.
Bed for me.
Nighty nighty...will be back soon
*yawn*
fuck... working sucks sometimes...ha!

Pictures of a past life

So I took a shit-ton of pictures when I was home in Massachusetts. Some of the town I grew up in...a lot of the landscape that I always neglected and now think about, and a good amount of "digitizing" old family pictures that I want to have a copy of.

Pictures of the trailer that I was raised in up until I was 11 and my parents divorced and we moved across the road to my grandparents big old farmhouse. Pictures of that beautiful old house from when it was glorious and splendid...(I couldn't bring myself to take a shot of how it looks now, that it has fallen into disrepair and is owned by someone outside of my family) and all the fun and silly things we used to do as a family... sledding down the front/back yards on toboggans, halloween costumes made from scratch... dressing up for New Year's eve and wearing hats for no real reason... the torturous suspenders and naked baby bellies of growing up in the country...

They are fantastic.

The old, dilapidated barn structures that were once maintained and used daily that have withered and rotted and crumbled with time... now sit alone against the snowy fields and bare trees...

The sunlight cutting holes through the racing clouds on the top of the mountains and streaking across the crusted over snow that still covers the pastures... like the tundra... I had hopes of spotting a fox or two, but none were about... nothing was curious of me and my car pulled to the side of the pock-marked road... none save the sheep who sat then stood then blinked then chewed then peed and stood staring some more..

I will post the link once I have some uploaded...

Windows into my past... letting a few of you see where I come from.
... could explain a few things, I guess... could raise more questions, I guess, too... who knows.

B.C.I.S.

No. This is not the acronym for a college basketball division.

No. This is not the quick, abbreviated slang for an independent elementary school in British Columbia.

and NO. This has nothing to do with any bowel syndrome...or drug to treat said condition.

This is simply the following:

Bitch Called In Sick.

My rampage has been postponed. And now I have resorted to planting the seeds of my secession with the people already in the corporate office who I feel know my abilities best...and can see the value that I could add to the corporate team.

Sick day my ass....

Honestly.

I have a meeting with my immediate boss tomorrow.
I am over being complacent.
The stand happens now. I am over being quiet...sitting with my tongue tied in the knots fastened by polite etiquette. Who said a passionate life was proper? Who deemed that it must never stray from the path of the heart?

I have voices telling me many different ways to play this...
..this job...this life...this "now"...

..the everything that is me. So sorry this quiet, tittering mouse that I have become. Sad and sorry and sour. Hastening the numbness with routes and discipline. With the "should have" and "can't have"'s...I despise those fucking quotation marks, those symbols that corral us, that dictate what I can say and to whom and even when.

Hate. How lovely it would be to loose the tongue...to actually say what it is that is there... that is housed within...that has burrowed deep in the hopes that it will appreciate in value.

I shall let you know the outcome...

FUCK! If only I could guarantee that my nerve didn't falter...
...

about to be productive.

Advil PM and book and notebook.

Bed and laptop and blanket.

Lofty intentions and deep seeded yearning.





Gather above ingredients and mix well...preferably at about 11pm (ish) and enjoy about 30 minutes of productivity before you drift off to sleep for 6-8 hours of deep, restful sleep.

(note: begin to think of ways secure your items in a safe place at about 25-27 minutes of productivity...especially if you have a loft/bunk bed...I'm just sayin...)

1.5 days....

....and counting until relaxation in Massachusetts.

I am WOW.

Totally forgot to pen this:

I am Legend with Will Smith?
Visually orgasmic.

Story? Damn frightening when you live in Manhattan and walk the same deadened streets to work everyday. I crossed Broadway during rush hour and looked up the street at the snarl of cars and trucks and cabs and vans and the only thing that made it different from the shot in the movie was that there were people actually alive inside them as I took in the scene before me. That, and the reason for the congestion was not an attempt to flee an island about to be cut off from the rest of the country because of a horrible virus that will kill all humans.

Jesus.

Ending of the movie was too blockbuster for me. Happy happy, glimmer of hope...big finish that seemed to move too fast to be realistic. The big pic "quick wrap up", so to speak, that detracted from how cool the rest of the movie was.

The bad dudes weren't that scary either. A wee too CGI for my tastes.
HA! "Wee bit" is a funny way to describe something.

Worth $11.75 though. Very cool movie to see on a good screen. Well Worth it.

Anyway, time to eat my damn oatmeal and get ready for work. Despite the time stamp on this blog stating it is 4pm or some shit, it is 6:46am and I have to open my store.

Day off ...5 days to Christmas

I still am having a hard time grasping the fact that Christmas is just a few days away. My job is so dependent on this time of the year, yet we are not seeing the boom that I had been hoping was on the horizon with this store re-opening. But, as I am learning over the last few days (trying not to go out and get wasted, like I have in the past to handle the stress and chaos of this season) I suppose that I should not be so concerned about this job. Granted, I work very hard to be exceptional at whatever I take on the responsibility to complete in my career, I should know that I have other options, many other options in this life, in this city, in this industry.

I am excited to go to Massachusetts for Christmas eve and Christmas day. Yippee! Back up north, where they actually have snow at the moment (not this frigid bullshit with no visible reason to be cold if you are simply observing the day from your window.)

I think Nick and I might try to go to Barcelona and Southern France early in the new year. Flights are super cheap and I think that might be an amazing way jump into Europe considering I have never been before. Training around Northern Spain and Southern France sounds fucking amazing.

Need to work on photos. Tomorrow. I must hold myself to that. I also need to work out this writing thing. Sick of being the person saying what I want to do...need to just do it.

I need to just finish the photo book first and then move onto the project I decided on writing 8 years ago but kept finding excuses to never start it.

Fuck it.

Got a new TV for Christmas from my mom and step-dad and can I tell you just how fucking radical it is. I can't stop watching HD Discovery Channel! It is UNREAL how big of a difference HD is.

Going to bed now though. Must be up for work in the early morn.

Escape...if only in pictures.

Perhaps I love movies so much because they state what I cannot. They speak the words that are pushed to the forefront of my brain but never off of my tongue. They might also act out the things that I wish I could do...moving to Tuscany, leaving my home, acting on impulse...living without care, racing against a known evil that chases me outright through the streets (unlike the reality that laps at my heels every other day)...perhaps that is why we all relate.

Me? I am no different than most I guess. Perhaps a bit more outward and outspoken...perhaps I am more openly unsettled and eager to speak of the contradictions that I see, that I sometimes live.

In truth, I could very well just do it all...move to Italy on a whim, leave my job, start a life as an artist...it all boils down to the fear that I cannot resolve within my reality.

I suppose most people are unsettled. I assume that most people simply bury it, though...nudge it aside with a relationship, or a child or a job....excuses to excuse the frustration...distractions...fodder.

Do we just find little things...to start? To start to back away from the abyss of complacency? A project here...a new mindset there...?

I don't fucking know.
I just don't know.
Why can't I just fucking start?

I try.
I guess I need to try harder.

Black and white and desolate. Black and white and so expressive.

High plains, solitude and quiet. Lately I can relate. It is an escape...a familial and strangely familiar landscape that I have never experienced. I feel like I have, though...I feel like I have thought that way for a very long time...since before I was even here. Maybe in my youth? Stories in my past....stories that I have related to before I knew what relevance they held.

Stories that even now I run to to deconstruct my distorted modern day once it has retreated into night...

...even in the most isolated places, a fire can be lit to stave off the dark.

Christopher Walken, goddamn.

Why can't there be a perpetual channel on TV that shows only movies or shows with him in it?

I mean, even if it is a fucking cameo.

I think that seeing him shoot a small Central American in the head in a bad "Rock" movie (the Rundown) on TNT just locked the fact I will sleep like a little baby tonight.

Sweet dreams, those who enjoy witty sarcasm and stilted delivery.

Sweet...fucking dreams..... Yeah.

Totally off.

Yes! Wednesday has arrived! Waking from what Nick says was the deepest sleep he has ever seen me in, I AM OFF! Yes!

Now I have the energy and want to get a ton of shit taken care of today.

This is the list.
1. organize dvds
2. rework my bookshelf and buy a second one (as my stacks of books on the ground are multiplying.)
3.go through some old clothes to clean out my closet
4.make cookies *grin* been feeling festive lately.
5.photos/writing/reading.
6. clean bathroom. dammit.

*smile*
I look forward to the challenge.

Take pity on a miserable soul.

Here am I, laying....writhing in an ached fever...steady in my determination that I will beat this fucking cold without the help of modern medicine (well, other than NyQuil that is...but that was invented in 1968 so it's older than me and that makes it ok) but with sheer will and arrogance. Confident that my healthy habits and better-than-most judgement will persevere.

I think I should be ok.

The reason I am so resolute, is that I KNOW that I am not off again until Wednesday. And that is the first opportunity I have to go see Dr. Shapiro (the best doctor in the whole wide world in my honest opinion...65-70 years old...doesn't take appointments, gives you an exam in record time because the woman can diagnose you just on smell and her x-rayesque aging vision..she is amazing and has never given me the wrong meds or the runaround) so I am rather stuck to my own means.

I will conquer.

I will destroy this infection.

Argh, I think I might ignite I am so hot and feverish.

Just took my temp, down one degree from earlier. 101.4...YIPPEE, a small success...AND I went to work for 5 hours.

I am an idiot.
A real, in the flesh, idiot.

I hope someone can cover me so I can stay at home and rest tomorrow.
Fuck.
This is why I eat healthy and exercise and monitor my bad habits...so I DON'T get sick.

I have been sick more this year than ever...at least, in my adult life.

Stress must be wearing down my system.

Off to bed.
Double dose of NyQuil under my belt.
39 years of availablity to the mass market can't be wrong.

'Night.

why do i care.

I have a fever.
Splendid.
I'm going to dose some NyQuil and watch a movie and write a poem.

Yes, a poem.
Fuck off if you think that's gay.

My body is shaky.
Hot...
....dammit.

Fuck off.
Where is my glass of water...

Day after, reflection imminent

So it was a blast. A total blast!
Everyone got very drunk, everyone danced like it was a competition, and most people left a better being than they came in as. Some left a bit stumbly, but that is a condition that is reversible with lots of sleep and hydration. HA

Lets see, most people came out and it was great to just hang and smile and laugh without care. A few notables were missing, but I cannot bend reality or wills, so I can just say...you missed a damn fun party. :)

Champagne, bottles of Kettle One, beers, shots of Jameson? While I stayed safe with the champagne and vodka, others weren't so lucky...I was the wall holding up Rick, Nick was ill all day today and I somehow am fine. The cigarettes tho that were lit up in that damn basement sucked. Period. I hate them. They make me feel like absolute shit the next day. I have been coughing all day which totally sucks. And it is definitely because I had to breathe that shit for an hour.

Jeez.
Dr. Jeez...hahahah wow. another good story.

Just made cookies. Ate Kimchi Dumplings for dinner and am having a Lemon tea. About to go to bed. Must be up at 630am. Nick is djing, and feeling like shit...poor boo. Not cool.

Ok.
Here I go.

Party tonight: 205 Chrystie

Time to shake it and wiggle.

Getting ready to head out the door to the party at 205 Bar tonight. A fun night shall be had by all (I hope....fuck.)

So far it seems like a massive turnout, lots of people in the house...its a big night (not just my birthday but also the party for the magazine that did a write up about crew shit ...so it seems like tons of people will be out to just celebrate. And I am the lucky girl who gets to bandwagon this shit!

Skills at planning a party? That's right. Me.
HA.
Actually it was all a front by Nick and some other fools to get the space and its going down for my bday. Yeeeeah. Ride that shit.

Hope to not be too hungover tomorrow.
Drinking alot of water now.
HA.
I am retarded.

A few new Pictures

Wanted to show off some of the new work I am doing. Series finalized by end of the year.

I also will be writing (actually writing) something soon.

My birthday was not only the day I was created (many fucking years ago), I learned it was a day a new acquaintance lost her father.

It was a day that I laughed alot, ate amazing food and realized that I could sing Creep by Radiohead 12 times in a 2 hour span without multiplying like gremlins.

Weird, huh?
ha

First Snow. Alllright.

Nothing like waking up to this.
Perhaps I should preface that I like snow (unlike most New Yorkers) and look forward to chilly weather...I am a freak.



Every year I am fortunate to have the first snow of the year happen within a day of my birthday.
Nice present , eh?

Brilliance at 7am

please listen to this.
It will make your morning amazingly fun.
This is the best advice to step up.
Don't be like junior high...protect your buttercrunch.
*ding dong*

PLEASE LISTEN

Wiser? Wiser.

Sooooo....last night was a blast. Yesterday in general was pretty good. I worked on photos for about 4 hours, met up with Houston and Paula for a glass of wine, ate some food (not really enough to soak up the beers I had though...not too smart for being a smart girl) and then went to B-Side to take pics for Apocalyptico for Jenna and Sara.

So check, check and check. Accomplished.

I was the jubilant host-ish person. Smiled, grinned and bore it, I would say...the night was quite entertaining. A few curveballs, but overall a good one. Never give a drunk friend your camera...they take pictures of you that are not good.

Sara didn't seem her usual self...which is strange for she usually loves these nights and she certainly made more money because there was a bigger turnout than most months. Jenna was in the spirit and well, the girls came looking damn hot so the boys who came...most certainly feasted their eyes.

It was good.
-
Today was a struggle as I was tired from being out late and drinking probably 2 too many beers. Why I drink that shit I don't know.

Been writing more. Which has given me happiness. It's a wonderful feeling to be inspired to create. I have been ravaged by the need lately. Bent on being fluid with my words...graceful with my images...it has made my time away from work meaningful again. Instead of running away to escape the day, I run towards the night to immerse into my imagination and regain some semblance of right or truth or beauty.

Weekend of work ahead of me. As per usual. Monday's my b-day and I need to find a new different restaurant to go to with Nick. Hmm...

Party on Wednesday...Yippee! Off on Thursday...a necessity.

I think I want to find a way to get a studio space..Hmm...

Off to bed to read and sleep...dream of the country, fireplaces, snow and maybe something more.

Eh, I still need that new alarm clock, dammit.