Book covers-

The Dali painting "The Phantom Cart" that was the image on the first edition by Random House publishers of Blood Meridian.

Pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

Small gold dudes

The Oscars were fun to watch last night. Truly! I was surprised about 3 awards which usually isn't the case in these shows as there is always so much hype and chit chat and indicators (thanks to several other award shows.)

Jon Stewart is unreal and should always host. He gave up his own chit chat intro time to the adorable girl from Once so she could say her thanks as she didn't have enough time when they accepted their award just moments before going to commercial. How fucking cool.



Daniel Day won a much deserved award. I still don't know if I love or hate Mr. Plainview.





"No Country for Old Men" did amazing. Cormac was in attendance...weird, but rad.

Bardem=best supporting. Sans creepy hair-do and attending with his mother just made him even fucking cooler.
"La Vie en Rose" actress looked beautiful and was notably retarded and overwhelmed when she beat out her competition...I didn't see it coming.
Tilda? Such an amazing actress...so fucking creepy! (I have been a fan though for a while...she totally has won me over with "Orlando"...)

Jenny and I started the night with a little food at the apartment and enjoying the big TV. Who knew that a portabella cap can be a filling meal with some goat cheese, pesto and sundried tomatoes?!?


Then it was popcorn and candy and B-Side. It was relaxed and slow and great :)
In bed post- pushups and situps and vitamins? 1230. Holy shit a good night's sleep. and I mean that, I SLEPT! Without being drunk...I fucking slept and slept well.

Ok. Off to work. More to come on that front later...

Happiness is...

Here, look at this lovely picture of the place I want to be within the next 5 months. Isn't it pretty...isn't it relaxing...now, I am going to ramble...

People are so strange sometimes. No one knows what will make them happy, all they know is what will make them sad. The unfortunate truth is that the majority of the time, it all gets jumbled up and comes out at the wrong time.

Why is it so hard to just accept reality? I am not always the best at it, but I certainly try to not pull more people into my black hole if I am having problems grappling with the infinite gravity of my situation. I also think that showcasing said issues with reality should just not happen. I try and know I should try harder not to fall into this. It's because we are social creatures and it is somewhat natural to want to melodramatic. I get it... I try hard not to do it, so it aggravates me when others do not. Self control, people...self-fucking-control.

So I leave. When I see something about to happen...I leave. When I get that weird feeling, I leave.

I just avoid drama. Lately, that is my only agenda. Some drama needs to be faced head on, but most is just white noise...making it hard for me to hear the important words and it distracts me from the focus I desperately want to have these days.

Was having a blast last night, then drama happened.
So I left.
HA.

I am also the "find the common denominator and eliminate it" type of person, so I have a hard time when other people fuck up things I like, places I like and I cannot control THEM so I must back away from things I enjoy to eliminate the drama.

SO fucking annoying. I should have just called this post "so fucking annoying".

Anyhoo...pictures call me. My camera is giving me the stink eye. I am off to shoot. Maybe later I will talk to people, if they don't tip off my annoy-a-meter. HA.

-


The chaos is just something I want to be rid of.

My week? Fuckt.

too much of everything.
excessive.
tired.
i think i will take a nap.
fuck. i need to do laundry.
and clean up this pig sty.
clearly i have issues.
ha.

c

Solidified precipitation

Yippee for snow! If I was in school I would fake a cough and a tummy ache and then go out and play in the park! It is so damn pretty...falling through the space between my building and the next, juxtaposed against the brick...fluffy white feathers drifting downward. This is pretty snow.

Its accumulating too...must check to see how much we should expect here in the city....I trudge trough to walk to work...

Today I meet up with some old work buddies and check out where they work now. Might be fun. Then work...then straight to the MWC show at Blender theater, then afterparty. This fucking week, I tell you....I can't do week's like this much longer. My body hates me.

OK.
Off to weather.com to see what I am up against today.

would you like some ...juuuiiiiiiiiiccctheeee?

Ok, sitting watching The Cable Guy at 1050 am. A lisping cable guy who is psychotic.

Salt peanuths *snap* salt peanuthhhhs *snap*

Anyway.
Speaking of juice....
Dre Day? Fucking A. It was a blast...it's been about forever since I have drank a 40.
This week is going to be insanity....like true insanity.

Monday? Dre Day
Wednesday? Sports for Nick's bday
Friday? MWC show and after party at le Royale
OFF SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
Thank little cute baby Jesus.

Sending more photos off to be printed.
Matting this weekend I think.
My ultra late Christmas presents ... ha!

Dandelions and hot water

DeTox tea is like a gift from Jehovah. Little drips of untainted purity... driving poison and evil thoughts from your body (minus those cranky preachers, potential death and, well, those finicky biblical tongue-twisters...) while making the whites of your eyes ...FUCKING WHITE AGAIN! Holy shit!

Seriously, who ever thought when your grandma told you to eat up your dandelion greens for dinner that she wasn't senile, but a freakin' holistic genius?!?! I always thought it was her way of torturing me with food... much like she did my father (who refused to eat chicken livers but she always found a way to sneak it into the gravy at family dinners... eventually making a "liver reduction" that blended seamlessly in... which for a 10 year old just sounded like something a wizard would do to you when you mistakenly called him a fairy too many times.)

I love it.

I love tea.

I have been drinking it a lot more these days, which has made my body a bit happier, I think. I need my salad and salmon diet back. I loved that, too.

Photos... photos. Need to buy those damn mats and backings.... Give these things to the people I have promised them to....

Get my images on people's walls and in their thoughts... and their guests' conversations...

Now to read in bed and fall into a sleep filled with dreams of vaqueros and beautiful prose.

The Chileans have landed!

And boy is my liver already tired!

Last night was insanity....Pisco Sours kill me...like, for real.

Slept most of the day...but did end up being somewhat productive. Uploaded a bunch of new photos...they are pretty awesome... many of which I will print, I think. Maybe send them off to be poster printed tomorrow night...

Went to dinner with Danilo y Carolina at Esperanto for Valentines Day. WOW, so awesome. They are some of my favorite people in the whole world. So happy, so loving. It is always such a joy to spend time with them...they are lively, and it is infectious!

Watching LOST now.

Drinking detox tea.

I'm in my PJs on the couch and have a bunch of candles lit.

I love nights like this.

*smile*

Rain helps me sleep

Its so true. I love it.

And while I am not looking forward to the walk to work....

I am grateful for a fulfilling night of slumber.

When your tenth drink arrives...

You probably should just smash it on the ground.

I mean, that is what I would do, probably...because I would have been blacked out since the 5th drink and had gone past the belligerent stage in my drunkenness and just decided to break shit on a rampage.

...destroying things...
things that make messes and lots of pretty little stars on the floor.

...look!
Wait-OUCH...!

AMY the STAR just BIT ME!

OK, I'm cut off.

So glad that I only had 4 beers over the course of 4 hours...
Not so glad that I had to endure a few over zealous friends on a binge.
Also not so glad that I was the only one who was honest about it, either.

Oh, yeah... and Jenna ate a raw hot dog. And spit in Andrew's beer... and sniffed his sandwich.

WOW.
This Monday ranks LOW.
Not as entertaining as I had hoped for.

Clarity? HA! Overrated.

Who needs that!
All I need is a camera, an iMac, music, tea, maybe a nice glass of wine...a nibble of chocolate, and no required time to wake up.

Tonight we get up to get down.

Tonight is MONDAY. Formerly known as "Movie Night".
We won't discuss that.
Granted, no movie is out that I particularly am anxious to see...
I hope to revive it as soon as something interesting arises in the midst of the crap currently playing.

So back to the fact that it is Monday.

Fun, friends, laughter and well... a few stiff drinks and the thrill of playing in front of at least 20 people (more than a lot of shitty local bands can say they draw at a booked show!)

It is bloody cold as all hell here in NYC as well. With the wind chill... I believe it is about 128 degrees below zero. No bullshit.
If there was snow, there would be no reason to bitch as it is a visual reinforcement for the temperature. Without it, the freezing air seems to be just a cruel joke.

I do love the cold though. I am a cold weather girl. I love hot weather, too, but usually only if I am in a bikini sipping on margaritas brought to me by non-American teenagers working at a beach hut. While I am reading a particularly non-engaging book. (Note: I said book, not piece of literature.)

The cold just makes me feel alive. If I stop moving, or walk too slow, I will gradually creak and crackle and slow even more, freezing into a monument of someone who left somewhere and was heading somewhere else, but never quite made it.

I also simply love sweaters, blankets and fireplaces. Let's be real honest... you would have to be insane not to love those things... truly.

Insomnia sucks

I'm just sayin'...
I think I can sleep tonight.
Pretty tired.
Fell asleep for a bit on the couch.
Slept like 3 hours last night, 3 hours the night before that. 5 out of 7 nights I just lay there...and when I do fall asleep, something wakes me up (probably my devil brain telling me that I will fuck up and oversleep or forget to do something...) and then I jolt awake only to lie there again...waking and freaking out that I can't fall asleep.

Jesus.
I haven't had it this bad since I was about 25 back in Massachusetts and I would just sit out on my front porch in my rocking chair, watching the drug dealers houses on my street for the typical signs of chaos...six pack of beer at my side. 5:30 I would usually get a bit drowsy. Then up again at 7am to get ready for work. That beat me down in about 6 months.
I even count backwards from 100. I used to only remember getting to about 74 before muscles got tingly and I would drift away into the night. Now? You don't want to know.

So I hit the sack.
I think I can sleep tonight.

...

me. reflecting. detox tea. thoughts wander...

You know those experiences that make you reflect on the decisions that helped you arrive at that exact place and time? I had one of those last night. Someone that I just recently came to know as they had just moved to NYC recently, that I would consider an acquaintance...not quite a friend as I have yet to learn enough about this person, but anyway... snapped at me.

When I say snapped, I mean...I leaned in and placed my hand on shoulder and said what's wrong in slightly different words and I was snapped at.

This sort of thing I do not handle well. Why?

#1 I rarely ever get angry in public anymore as it is simply too dramatic of a reaction to be taken seriously.
#2 It accomplishes nothing except to either alienate people or yourself. Obviously neither of which is what you want as you are fucking OUT.

It really pissed me off.

Made me think about why I would even be somewhere that this sort of behavior was fine to exhibit towards people. Made me angry...made me want to leave, which of course I didn't but still...

NEGATIVITY.

I have my issues, I have my problems... But if there is one thing I desperately try not to do, it's bring negativity to my friends and/or surroundings.

Call me stupid, call me naive.
Negativity breeds negativity.
Bad breeds bad.
Hence the elephant tattoo.

I remember it all...the good, the great, the sad, the painful... cursed to live it over and over. The elephant will remind me of what I am, of what I hate...and love. The elephant is the symbol of me.

And I lumber on, looking for the green waterways...thirsty.

funny how people assume shit...

Giants win.
Great game,too...probably the best superbowl I have seen in a long ass time....

Very entertaining...

Go Giants...good job :)

Blue Balls

That's right...go GIANTS!
As I now think of myself as a New Yorker (and my family sees this as a "defection") I hope that Tuesday there is a parade down Broadway!

Made some veggie chili, have some beer and chips...waiting for a few friends...
Mellow and laid back...should be a BLAST! Yeeeeah!

Hope everyone who is into the game has fun and stays safe....don't spend too much $$$, people...

...and get a designated driver if you are out watching it at a bar or someone else's place instead of your own (cabs are awesome, but bring a sober friend for all you outside the city...)

Cracking a brew and getting ready for kick owf...

YEAH!

Revealing it's true nature

It is harder than I thought it would be.

Ironic.

Namibia. Horses. Tethered. Sun setting.
I had vivid dreams of the plains last night again.
Something luring me into the black towards the lumbering structures that resemble life and love and death all in one jagged line piercing the night sky.
Daily growing closer.
Every night I am a day's journey closer to the base of it.

Every night, farther away from understanding what the hell it is.

At times it seems red...blazing. Causing blisters on my skin and forcing me to shy away, cursing the whole time at the vague feeling of resentment at how powerful it appears to be...even in my ignorance of what it truly is.

Wicked, selfish beast. Selfless yet not chivalrous... still infuriating.

What shall I dream of this evening, I wonder.

I wonder if one day I will dream of an ice shelf. A slowly advancing glacier that overtakes all in its path, regardless of intention or need or hope.

Tonight I think I will dream of dust, of heat and of things that elude me.
Tonight I fall into darkness with only questions.
Tonight is for the plains and mountains and lonely call of aging ideals.

Tonight may again be salvation, though I doubt that highly.

the 'lil john syndrome

It is when something happens that makes you just say "WWWWHHHHHHAAAATTTTT???"

I dropped a Pringle on a record playing at the bar tonight. It was actually quite amusing as it circled under the needle arm without hitting it...around and around.

Then Sara picked it up and ate it.

My friend was not amused. And proceeded to say she had to WASH the record because i dropped a Pringle on it for 5 seconds before Sara ate it.

I decided then that it was time for a break from the usual. Or at least what has become the usual as of late.

I think I will be going to the movies more alone.
Although I did have a good conversation this evening catching me up with someone I haven't had a real conversation with in a while...beyond the casual small talk that drives me nuts because we shouldn't be small talking... I thought we were closer friends than that..but hey...WHATTTTT???

I mean wwwhhhaaattttever, I guess.